Le Sigh

SIGGGGHHHHH. The internet is full of people griping about their lives, so I think I am entitled to a tiny paragraph of small strife-related thoughts. 

Lately I have really hated every finished piece of mine. I'm not talking about "Yeah, I'll just put it in a drawer and I'll never see it again" kind of hatred, but the kind where I immediately want to declare fiery pitchfork war against it. This is mainly because I have not found my particular style yet. While most of my friends are able to recognize my work, I can personally see no through-line save for the subject matter. As an aspiring illustrator, and as someone who very deeply wants to earn a living as an artist, this is supremely, suffocatingly frustrating. It is a form of 'artist's block' that eats your stomach lining and proceeds to regurgitate it out your tear ducts, and then you just cry it out onto your half-done drawing. You can't make anything without worrying about the finished product. Whether you will like it, whether someone else will like it, whether it will sell in a gallery, whether your online followers will even care, whether you are really exploring your full imaginative potential, whether you are really saying what you intend, whether your materials are right, whether whether whether whether!!! You also can't make anything without being influenced by someone else's work that you are heatedly jealous of, yet at the same time are so dearly inspired by. You remember that one painting, that particular drawing, that really original style, or that technique you saw that you want to try out. It is truly deafening. 

I have come to the conclusion that I need to remove myself and live completely in my own head. Save for reference photos, I hereby announce, with the internet as my witness, that I will not use Tumblr, Flickr or any other art-displaying website to purposefully view any artworks of any kind for at least 30 days. 

At the same time I accept the fact that I am still very much developing as an artist, and I have a hell of a long way to go. Now that I know what I want to do with my life, this is the time when I need to create my own voice. I WILL, one day, become a Jedi. 

Just another stepping stone covered in stomach lining: